YAY , today Im actually getting my fat ass to do something lmfao XD. well , I almost COMPLETELY forgot that today I was supposed to go out with my friend Ren for her birthday ( I have to go , it would'nt be fair that she spent my birthday with me when none of my family except mom and dad did I don't recall any other fam saying anything besides week late cheap cards -.- ) I felt bad c.c;. buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut , I logged in JUST in time to be reminded so that I could change into my casual outfit o.o and make myself smell good LMFAO.
well , it's gonna be I think , her mom , dad , bf , her and I going X3. Im nervous thats a tons of people o.o. annnd I never met her mums before. X3 plus I kinda don't want to just feel completed alienated there since her bf is there and all o.o. I'll probably end up being on one side of the car puking due to excessive amounts of snuggle-bear talks c.c. LOL, geebus. But I'll try to make the best of it I guess. I also feel like a shit , because I could'nt buy her a present T.T whats the point in mooching a ride of the person who's birthday it is , when you can't even get them something c.c. ahhh fluck.
the upside is we are headed to St. Augustine YAY I know this one lady there that owns this magic/wicca shop so I guess I'll go see her and stuff :3. well anywho thats all I have time to write down for now ^^..



P.S. - Still have'nt heard anything about findings from a lake , it's not very busy there ..so perhaps I should call and leave a annonymous tip just to make sure something is done about it?

Current Location: Home.
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Afterhours - Ego Likeness

well yes what happened , is just about as insane as the title to this post o_O.

What happened was , I was on a walk today around the neighborhoods , and I came across this one area which is a sidewalk and to the right of it is woods with a small opening that leads to a lake , and I noticed there were some tire marks completely out of place leading to the lake , I figured why not just go take a look just for the sake of curiosity..

well , I went to the lake and noticed the tire marks did'nt stop o.o. and I looked out not to far from the lake I saw either a c.d. case or a small purse WITH stuff on it still and everything. , and other strange things in the water I could'nt see to much at the bottom it is a REALLY deep lake , I seriously think that is not a good thing. I was going to attempt to fish out the small bag or whatever it was , out with a long stick but I decided to not tamper with anything and just let someone else figure it out and mess with that scene. it was indeed creepy , considering thats possibly the 4'th murder scene I've happened upon in one year o.O; I don't know how in the world I come across this stuff , it's so weird. but thats my day so far >___>.

Current Location: Home.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla

Well yeah , I guess you could say it's been a long time since I've been on to post here at livejournal hehe..

What's there to really say? I'm still up to the same stuff here and there , not much going on with me. X3;!

But , I know a few are probably peeking in here wondering why I've decided to just disappear from all contact on messengers and forums.
Well , to make a long story short. I feel that I need a break from alot of people , well..not me , but them a break from me.
I've been such a handful these past few months , so quick to react , so quick to get upset , blah blah blahhhh. so I feel that it would probably be better if I cut off contact with any and everyone...for a very long...long . long. time.

But I guess I'll still post here to report all progress and write out everything about myself more.


well. I don't know what has caused me to get so defensive this recent months , I just suddenly feel like pushing people away.
I not only feel , but I know quite a few I've caused to really despise me.. and they don't even have to write me about it. so many miles away and I still feel the anger.

I guess part of it , is that life for me here outside the damn computer is'nt going so great so I lash out at people I find are weaker.
That has always been a problem I've had since I was a little girl , so much misplaced anger. for a few of the same reasons I have it now.

That and I feel like Im being underestimated about everything by everyone. everything I've said to people lately have been reacted to with such spite it seems. well not everyone , my friend Jer is probably the only person I've been able to talk to and not feel like a total dumb ass.

It's not just people I chat with though , outside in the real world my actual life , people seem to look down on me somehow. I try so hard to seem , confident.
Even when I know Im absolutely right , they try to twist it into me being wrong just to make me seem stupid or small.

and above all that , my life at home is like a bad light , it's flickering constantly..everyone screaming at me , then turning around like nothing happens , and whenever I break and get upset everyone makes me feel like I don't have the priviledge to have any emotion and I have to keep it locked inside or I'll get screamed at being called a drama queen , or stupid.. because they rely on me to be the one who keeps on the smile , otherwise , they'll crumble when I react. And I understand when all of them get so upset that there has to be atleast the one of us who have to be the strong one through all the screaming and miscommunication , but I can only last so long without having anyone even try to help me after so long of helping them.

That is the only communication I have lately with my family. being called names , and screamed at , otherwise nobody talks to eachother anymore...we've drifted so far apart I sometimes feel like we don't even know eachothers names anymore.

And this is just a small piece of many more dwelling problems. I have so much confusion , sadness , and most of anger I have locked inside . I can't express it because of fear...it leads to me becoming something nobody likes anymore.

I don't think anyone even notices all the effort I'm giving to even stay sane anymore.

When I attempted to escape ( chatting ) I only realized I was trying to talk to people who could even give a shit. except jer.

slowly over just these few years I've come to realize that the harder I've been fighting to be happy the more miserable and the more I've only sunk. Nothing seems to go right , but Im trying so hard.

I'm to the point where crying does'nt help me , I don't cry anymore but when I do it only feeds my anger. the crying just turns to pure anger.

I sound like a broken record with these posts. I hardly know why I post , perhaps the last little hope to speak out my mind and to feel a little relieved of all the stress , but I know it won't do me any good.

Sometimes , I do often blame myself for all the hate that comes my way , even though I could never give myself a believable explanation as to why I should blame myself or what it is that I've really done.
It's just Im so afraid to blame the ones who chain all this to my ankles , I love to much to the point I fear everything I love , which has led me to silent anger..because I understand that once you do something it's stains into their memory and you'll never truly be forgiven after speaking your mind.

I can't even apologize for all the anger I've taken out on others , I've been such a bitch.
and I guess thats another piece of guilt . another problem I'll have to just deal with.

well , atleast if anyone ever reads this , they'll understand the root of all the problems I've been to them.

Current Location: Home.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Love The Giver - Claire Voyant

YAY.

**leaves this post to the readers imagination o.O**

Current Location: MY BED-rooooooooooooooom woowooyayyaya
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Churchyard - Silent Hill the movie o_OOOO

My poor skink , he passed away tonight . Poor thing he was only a baby skink too. well , I guess I knew he was in bad condition . v.v; but I still feel bad.

Current Location: Florida
Current Mood: aggravated

Yeah , I went through and update my journal appearance again , I was wanting something dark and eery but kept making something less than what I wanted , so I gave in and just used a silent hill ish look , I used a wallpaper I made for Silent Hill as the background and used my awesome cool Mary Avatar I made also. hahahaha *chokes on laughter.*
anyways ,
nothing much here still , just wanting to show that Im STILL alive.

man , Lizard food smells BAD. , I went to the pet store to find food for my new pet skink that I rescued named , Amadahy ( native american cherokee for " Forest Water " , because he comes from the creek in my backyard) , he is precious , unfortunatley a animal had got a hold of him earlier on and broke his back legs , so I decided to take him in and get him back to good health. ;). judging by his size he is still just a baby too .

but it's all good , I now have a new reptilian friend ^_^!!

for his cage , I actually went to the creek he is from and used the dirt and grass from there for him. just so he does'nt feel to far from home.

well thats about the most interesting news from me for now. hehe.



this is a picture of Amadahy before I got his new cage for him .

Tags: amadahy, animal, lizard, rescue, skink
Current Location: Florida
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Block Mind - Akira Yamaoka

yeah , I am back =o and updated mah journal , just so everyone knows NO , the art of the girl is NOT mine. just a picture I found , so I take no credit for that . :D just to get that out of the way.

Well anyways , I have been alright lately got really sick though coughing and everything.

but besides that I've just been addicted to updating my computer and everything haha. well thats about it for me right now :P.

Just wanted to show that im alive!.

Current Location: my living room
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Glamour - Anders Manga

Lastnight I had dreamt that I was walking outside in this dark place , it was like a long outside hall made of brick with arch-shaped entrances to different spots , and the weather was very stormy and the day was ending , well , I turned around and saw some old man staring and following me >.<; so i ran into the nearest store. o_o then , this guy had greeted me in there ( he was pretty hot looking too) , and seemed to know me , (I have dreamt of this guy before too !!)
well anyways , he comes up to me and like pulls me really close and hugs me tight. lol and started talking to me saying something (poo , I just can't remember ~!!!!) and I was all wondering who he was but i felt really comfortable when he hugged me. then everyone started to leave , and he said he had to go home and I just said ' ok '
so after everyone left the store , I went out the entrance and found myself in this mental hospital which looked kind of scary. ( but I was not a patient or anything )
I turned around and it was suddenly a normal home o_O and this guy comes down with two daughters and a son of his , and he was all like " now stay here in this cellar " this one ceiling light , kept flickering and everytime it flickered it went pitch black and then back to dim. then I looked up at the light and when I looked back down I was in the mental hospital again , only in front of this one door looking in at this girl who looked just like me ( except with black crazy looking hair ) , she was in a straighjacket and kicking at the walls and stuff screaming about something.
Then the dream shifts with me running through a parking lot in the dead of night with her to my car , and she was being so mean and stuff , and someone else was driving and I started screaming " So you know about them too?! "
and she glared at me while downing a bunch of pills that make you really calm and said " I know nothing " in a defiant cruel manner .
And I took her by her shoulders and said " STOP LYING YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM TOO , I KNOW YOU DO , YOUR THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN HELP ME , WHY DON'T YOU JUST COOPERATE WITH ME "
the car suddenly stopped in the middle of another parking lot , and I had quick flashes of me standing in the Mental Hospital and getting out of the car in the parking lot , then it just stopped and stayed on the Parking lot setting , and so did the other girl , she is like " I don't believe I should help you , I don't even believe in these 'monsters' your running from " in a venomous manner
then I turned around and saw a demon walking toward us slowly though , and she turned around and I guess she thought it was a person? o.O; and she started yelling " HEY you! can you take this girl away she is giving me a hard time...hello? you there! "
and the demon started moving faster and so I just knocked her out and dragged her with me as I was running away, I turned my head and looked back and saw the demon right behind me.

thats when I woke up..

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Therapy - Switchblade Symphony

Im really close to giving my computer away and giving up the internet o.o , I mean theres no point in it anymore. I don't think anyone will miss me very much either.
I don't think my music is going anyplace either so that I think will fly out the window with me also
I need to cancel my subscription to DA as well since I have no art to update it with and have'nt had since I subscribed.
I will sell all my music equipment , get a summer job . work extra hours and just stay gone ^^.;;

But seriously , I will think about this whole thing tonight , and will post my final decision tomorrow. ~_~

it was nice knowing everyone but now I think we will part for a long time if not for good.. :)

Sincerely ,

Ashley

Current Location: Home..
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Dead Flowers - Porcelain Wrath

wow , yes , it's been a odd day indeedly o.O I have been contacted by people I have'nt spoken to for a long time already :O it shocked me , first Choke and then Kevin again.

I guess it was nice to have Choke write me again , im glad to know he is doing ok. it's relieving, and seems to be having alot of fun :) yay , go choke!

and as for kevin , well his writing was a bit more..eh depressing , he wrote me wondering why in the world I was'nt replying >.>
well it's not like I meant to kinda push aside the whole writing and comment bit , but I kinda get distracted easily @_@;. and I meant to write him but never really got around to it , and when I did I got caught on doing something else randomly and never sent the comments I wrote out.

and those are the two main people I have met among many others O.o;.

man and I have also had alot of people writing me , expecting to much of me , like humour , and bright comments and for me to write them I have had so many people writing me telling me I was ignoring them and just trying to force my damn attention T_T

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY????????? I can't be all up in everybodies face all the time , I have my own ordeals also , not to just jump at everybody when they snap their fingers. T_T. meh.
I know Im going to end up losing alot of friends soon , because everyones getting impatient with me , and feeling like Im not giving enough attention.

theres just to many people O_O asking for to much attention at once. *random freak out*

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: The Dream - The Birthday Massacre